Personal | I'm scared ...

The last couples of weeks I haven't been feeling well. No.. I'm not sick or anything (pfew). I'm just in this period of my life where I have no clue of what to do. I'm feeling chaotic, unmotivated and I lack energy. 

At first I thought it was because of school. Right from the beginning of this school semester I noticed that I kept on forgetting my deadlines and that I had no clue of how to start with my Bachelor thesis. It was just complete chaos in my head. I made appointments with my mentor and talked about it with my fellow students. But even now, a few months later, I still feel unmotivated even though I sort of know now how to deal with my thesis. 

Then it struck me.. I lack direction, I have no aim in life. For the first time in more than 20 years I have absolutely no idea of what is going to happen after this coming summer. Hopefully at that moment, I have finished my studies.. but then what? I have no idea what to do. Get a job? Continue studying? I feel this pressure that I'm expected to know what I want in the future.. that everything I do at this moment is for something bigger in life. I feel ashamed that I have no answer ready when people ask me what I'm planning on doing in the future. 

And then there is this other tiny detail, something that has controlled me my entire life. I'm scared to step out of my comfort zone. I always have these wishes and dreams, but I never dare to actually take action and make them happen. I want to travel, improve on my photography, make Youtube clips, meet awesome people all over the world, improve my Japanese by actually talking to Japanese people!! But there is always this little voice in my head; "what will others think of me?", "what will my parents think of me?", "what if this is just a momentary thing and you end up having regrets?". I keep telling myself that I should stop worrying about that, but.. until now it hasn't really worked (sigh). 

I'm sorry for this blogpost and this has depressed you, but I know I'm not the only one and I'm hoping that we're able to help eachother. On sunday there will be a way more positive blogpost!! :)

Thank you! xo